I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
