how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
