your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
