I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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