gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
