im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
