My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
