I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
