If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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