dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
