mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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