True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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