You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
