sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
