sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
