apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
