thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
