I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
