Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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