I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
