I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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