Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
