You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
