I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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