My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
