Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
