I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
