All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
