Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
