Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
