so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
