Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
