I got chris browned last night
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
