I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
