He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
