I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
