I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
