you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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