Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
