my phone needs a breathalizer
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
