Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
