Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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