My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
