Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
