i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
