That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
