There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
