i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my being single is dangerous.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
