Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
