mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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