Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
