Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
