Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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