Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
