its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
