I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
