And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
