I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
