my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
