That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
